This memory lead to all the other things in my recent past that are now missing. All the comforts of home, knowing all the places to get things, knowing how to either do things or find someone to do them, all the certainty of living in a first world nation for 60 years, having a job and not being retired...knowing who I am, and most of all, being able to GET SOMETHING DONE! I miss being effective the most. I had no idea I would miss this.
Intellectually, I know that I left all that behind because I wanted a change and a challenge. Boy, did I get it. I guess I could have done it more gradually.
The day I retired, I left work and did not return to the home I left in the morning...it was gone, packed away that day and shipped to Panama. I don't recommend retiring and dramatically altering life on the same day.
I went to my daughter's house into the reality of living with a 18 month old grandson and being relegated to a small bedroom shared with all the belongings of her 7 year old step-daughter who was now living with her birth mom. This was 2 days before Christmas. Katey tried hard to make it a normal Christmas and for that I am grateful, and she shared her home with grace and eloquence. No complaints, just disorientation. But Yella and I didn't even exchange gifts...something we had done every year for 36 years...no room in our suitcases for gifts.
All in all, very unsettling.
I have been so preoccupied in Panama for the last 3 months, that I haven't stopped and let in the magnitude of what we have done.
And, there is no turning back.
Even if we return to the USA, everything will be different. The die is cast. No more comfortable, routine, predictable life. (At least until we create another one)
This retirement thing is harder to deal with than I expected. I am constantly trying to figure out what to do. That's not to say that I don't have days that are full and satisfying but there are a good number of days that are fairly empty. And, Yella and I are trying to find an equilibrium in being together much, much more than before. All disorienting and confusing.
Yella is used to having the house to herself. She works from home as well as living in the home. I am an intrusion into that personal domain. I have started being out of the house for a good part of the day. And, I like that, so I'm not complaining. I just didn't think to do it. Go figure.
It is the simple things that trip me up.
OK, I am now finished feeling sorry for myself. After all, I do live in paradise. But even paradise requires some getting used to!
Here is some of the up side to being in Panama. (This is what I tell myself when I doubt the prudence of moving here)
I paid my electric bill for February...$14.02. My gas bill for hot water and the stove was $5.43. My car insurance for the YEAR is $167.00...and the list goes on and on.
Well, that's it for the reflective blog. I'll try to return to humor for the next one.
6 comments:
Hugs to you and Yella!
The "reality" is sinking in and I'm sorry you are struggling a bit.
Try to remember that the grass is greener where you water it!
To cheer you a bit...we had a "blizzard" Thursday into Friday. Visibility was horrible. Closed early Thursday (about 2:30) and only 8 of us showed up on Friday. The snow totals ranged from 3" to 14". Only 3" here in town. Everything melted Friday and Saturday.
:)
Hi Tom & Yella,
Sandi S sent me this link, so I read your story to date! Wow! I admire you both for creating a whole new life for yourselves-and it has obviously NOT been easy. We take so much for granted here, don't we.
Thanks for sharing your experiences & insights-a big hug to Yella--I hope the theatre production rocks!
Connie C
Welcome, Connie! I appreciate you letting us know you are reading the blog. I think more people than are apparent are along for the ride. I passed your message on to Yella.
Thanks Beth for the encouragement. As always, a new day brings a new attitude. We had a busy Monday that was full and interesting. Today we trundle off to Spanish lessons. We were with out water for the morning routines...why, the landlord forgot to turn off the irrigation last night and drained the storage tank. It's always something in Panama! Via la paradise! (Whatever that means)
Julie and I had a great time in Panama visiting you. We'll be back and Marie and Jonny want to come too! As has happened many times in my life, you guys have gone first and helped to lead the way for me and others. Just wanted you to know that I recognize and appreciate that. I can see down the road... after this year of struggle, you'll have a new and grand lifestyle all worked out. You make friends more easily than anyone I know. Thanks again for sharing your Dan time with me and Julie.terble
Your blog reminded me of how I felt in early recovery - my whole world turned upside down and not knowing what the heck to do. The past was comfortable no matter how unpleasant. Now I am comfortable with this lifestyle - just took a few 24 hours :)
Bill, thanks for the kind words. We also enjoyed having you and Julie. And, it would be great to have the whole family. Maybe next year after Obama turns the economy around.
Dan, now that you mention it, this experience is a lot like new sobriety. It took me 7 years to feel good in sobriety. I hope to hell getting used to Panama doesn't take that long!
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