We had a visitor just leave that is fond of saying, "what's (fill in the blank here with a name, situation, place) trying to tell me/us?" Meaning that everything happens for a reason, our job is to figure out WHY it's happening. And, learn a magnificent lesson in life, then live happily ever after. Just about makes you want to puke, doesn't it?
More latter.
If you run out of aspirin at 3 am, you can get some and you actually have your pick of several all night stores. Isn't that a little ridiculous? If your drain backs up, you can call Roto Rooter in the evening and they will be at your house in an hour. We just can't have a mess in our house now, can we?
I know, these are mundane examples but you get the picture...I hope.
(I also know that the economy is putting a huge challenge into life and I don't want to minimize the problems and suffering that come with this condition. But, at the time we made our decision to move, the depression had not sunk it's teeth into the world.)
So, I looked forward to living a life that demands planning ahead because nothing, and I mean nothing, is consistent in Panama. I looked forward to learning a whole new network of services like auto repair, utilities and doctors. And, learn a new language. I look forward to meeting new friends because only slightly to crazy people come down here. I look forward to having the time to do all those things that got put off.
I looked forward to a life that in many ways is turned back 50 to 80 years when stores weren't open on Sunday and the streets rolled up at 8 pm and children roamed freely without parents worrying.
What I didn't anticipate was the confront on the level of "WHO I AM." That has blindsided me.
Yella, on the other hand, didn't want to come here and was prepared for the worst. She is starting to do just fine. Who would have guessed that? My hat is off to her. I thought she would be the one to cave and go home. Now, I am more worried about myself than her.
The surprise to me is my helplessness in getting anything done. Panama has rubbed my nose in my identity which includes being a successful manager, business owner and leader, someone adept at getting something done. That was my job! But, oh no, not here!
Let me summarize the last 6 weeks. I have not been able to get the final 5% of the electrical completed in my house. We are talking about hanging 5 fixtures, mounting one plug and running the wire from the meter to the house.
That's it.
I have failed miserably. In hind sight, I could have done it myself but that would be cheating.
This helplessness is so disconcerting that I turned it into rage which is a much more power place than being a victim. Ooooohhhhhhhhh! I hate the "V" word!
Then the rage becomes so painful that I finally go to work and get responsible. Thank God I know how to do this because it relieves the pain.
But not the confront.
Two nights after I made my peace with the way it is, I woke up at 3 am preoccupied with the lack of progress on the house. There is no escaping the battle between Tom and Panama. And, I'm not winning.
So, back to, "What is Panama trying to tell me?"
Maybe it's time to reinvent life. At a slower pace. With relationships and conversation and helpfulness as a priority. Delving deeper and deeper. Simmering and steeping into the taste of life. Boldly taking the first steps to do what was meant to do.
Actually do something that can't be completed, only started...
What would that even be...
Not many people get this opportunity in their life time. I am so grateful. It is a rough ride and sometimes I want to quit but, in the end, it is a huge gift. Such a big gift.
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