Memorize, Memorize, Memorize

I have never been good at memorizing.

In grade school, they tried to hold me back several years because my penmanship was poor, my spelling was worse and most learning was memorizing. I hated grade school! I was bad at it and it was humiliating.

Plus, I thought I was stupid.

I know, many of you are agreeing, but I found out in high school that I was actually smart. Just not at memorizing. I can think. I can analyse. I can evaluate and plan. I can imagine and create.

Just not memorize...and I hate it.

So, what am I spending the majority of my time doing...memorizing. Learning Spanish and now memorizing lines for an act in a play.

Monday I went to acting class and I was thoroughly humiliated. As I presented my lines--wait that is way too generous of a verb--as I butchered the play, I was coached by the teacher. First, I was chastised for not knowing my lines. Then, additional layers of psychic skin were pealed off.

If I was loud, he told me to be soft; if I gestured, he told me to hold still; if I was still, he told me to move.

I crawled back to my chair with my face buried in the script because I was so humiliated. Ya, that's right, I actually did that.

I resent having to memorize now, at this time in my life. I am busy, really busy and this shit is not what I want to do.

But, I have to avoid public humiliation again, so I started to redouble my efforts to learn the lines.

It was pitiful. Yella read lines with me to help. She will never do that again, let me tell you. I got so pissed, pathetic, defeated, angry, resentful that she fled. Who can blame her.

I saw the director/teacher today at lunch. He is a great guy and someone who I like to hang out with. I asked him if he felt the hate coming from me over the last few days. He laughed.

He said I was doing a good job, considering it was my first time out. I don't trust his words though. I simply don't believe him.

I practiced with my partner this afternoon. And, believe it or not, I knew my lines.

Holy Shit! How did that happen! Maybe we will pull it off at our next class. And, now I can start to act, or try to act. That would be nice.

I still hate to memorize!