After all, my life has been about achievement and accomplishment. I made sure that my time was spent doing things that I was good at, for God's sake. And I was damn sure successful!
I had a meltdown on Saturday, in public. Not a good thing.
I was at rehearsal for this hootenanny. They are asking me to sing 3 songs with harmonies as well as learn the guitar for 20 more songs all by October 30th. Learning the guitar parts is confronting enough.
I don't like to sing for a reason.
With singing, I am a very slow learner. And a tedious learner. A laborious learner. And I get fried easily once confronted with my stupidity around learning a singing part.
I am the village idiot around singing.
Very few people are willing to believe that I have this much trouble learning a melody, much less a harmony. They think that because I sing well once I know a song that surely it comes fairly easy for me.
Not so...
So I had a meltdown and became an asshole and started attacking my fellow musicians for telling me this was easy and how could I have this much trouble blah blah blah.
So the asshole in me came out in flaming colors.
It really pisses me off went people tell me something is easy when it is NOT!
I owe a round of apologies to these poor guys. They were just trying to help. Even though it was misguided, it was heartfelt.
Now on to the next "I feel stupid" thing.
Learning Spanish.
The first 2 classes were amazing. Fun, reinforcing and confidence building.
The next 2 classes were a real bitch. This is tough stuff.
I have discovered that as soon as a word is spoken that I don't know, I stop hearing the rest of what is said. I am stuck trying to figure out the unknown word.
And that old familiar feeling of stupidity takes over. Again, I feel like striking out and getting pissed at someone.
In Spanish, the gender and singular/plural all have to match. As well as the congegation of the verb. You would think this is simple stuff, and it is.
But NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
You try it. Time after time after time we screw it up. So simple. How can it be this F$#@$# difficult? It is mind boggling. Something this simple is so impossible to get right.
The teacher drilled us for a hour on this simple thing with possessive pronouns. You know: mine, yours etc. It is not that difficult. Why oh why do we keep screwing it up?
It is probably easier to learn nuclear physics.
I don't like to feel stupid so someone has to pay, damn it!
So far, I have refrained from acting out in Spanish class. These good teachers don't need that kind of abuse.
I am convinced at this point with Spanish that it will be impossible for me to learn it. I simply can't conceive of understanding something so unintelligible. It is all Greek to me...or...Spanish.
So I sit this evening, pissed at the world because I can't learn Spanish...and I have to learn these stupid songs that I don't even like...I want to kick the dog...and my wife...and anyone else that comes around.
I don't like to feel stupid.
3 comments:
Well, I've seen the "asshole" Tom before and it isn't pleasant! Fortunately it is a rare occurrence (is it Yella?), and I'm sure your buddies will forgive you for the outburst. Just chillax....dude....you are retired...you are living the life in paradise.....don't sweat the small stuff! Learning to sing a few songs and play your guitar....speaking spanish....it's all good when you compare it to getting up, going to work, and dealing with "assholes" everyday! :)
Not to worry Beth. Another day, another set of emotions. Today is a great day.
And, also true, I miss the comfort. predictability and accomplishment of work. It sounds like moving to paradise HAS to be better than the every day grind but maybe not so. There is much about Panama and retirement that I cherish. And there is much about my past life in CO that I yearn for.
It is good to hear from you! Thanks for reading my blog.
kicking the dog is helpful.
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